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Pets are just ticking clocks in cages | Darragh McManus Death stalks us around every corner, so why do we bring into our homes that ultimate symbol of mortality – the hamster?It was recently reported that the city of San Francisco is considering banning pet sales. Which I think is a good idea. Indeed, it may be the best idea California's had since some anonymous hero matched love-beads with scraggy blond hair and thus created the surf dude. Why is it such a good idea? Let me explain.Death stalks us around every corner, much like an annoyingly persistent chugger. We're all going to die, and we all know it, which makes those exciting plans to mark the fourth millennium with a barbecue and gigantic game of Yahtzee seem rather pointless. This knowledge of impending annihilation also fills us with existential angst, which again is a bummer for barbecues and celebrations. Who wants to be stuck beside the gloomy Samuel Beckett wannabe, moaning about nothingness and the cold ashes of existence, when you're trying to enjoy juicy spare ribs in chilli marinade?And yet, us humans sometimes seek it out. We choose to court grief by adopting pets, which in essence are no more than companions with built-in obsolescence. Let's take hamsters. Oh, hamsters: ruination of men, destroyers of worlds, laying waste and fashioning catastrophe like small furry Lucifers.They die very young, you see – usually between 18 and 24 months. No sooner have you managed to get over the fact that they vaguely resemble rats and settled into a happy routine of cooing over the way they stupidly run on that treadmill over and over than they've upped and died on you. I've never understood why someone would choose, as a little pal and boon companion, an animal that is guaranteed to die within a few years.Why put yourself through that? It's upsetting enough when your cat gets run over or your dog chews the wrong electrical wire at the wrong time and wrong voltage. But you're at least hoping for them to have a long life. Hamster ownership, though, is like volunteering for a painful experience. We know the hamster will die, and yet we choose to create a life with it. You could almost have a little countdown clock, right there in the hamster's cage. A pleasant female voice, sexy in a robotic, slightly perverted sort of way, could intone daily: "Your hamster will probably die in seven months and four days. Don't forget to feed it and love it and forge a profound bond with it, which will then be callously sundered by the dictates of biology."Perhaps we should keep shrews as pets instead. Or mayflies. "Wow, it only seems like yesterday we got poor Buzzie … probably because it was only yesterday. Anyway, chuck him in the bin, would you? Between those banana skins and that curry-stained Daily Express. It's what Buzzie would have wanted."Do not get a pet hamster. I recommend something with more longevity instead, like a giant turtle or an elephant. Or a person, even: Peter Andre's not doing much at the moment, is he? Probably wouldn't mind being fawned over and pampered by a loving family for a while, either. Even if he did have to live in a cage.PetsAnimalsDarragh McManusguardian.co.uk © Guardian News & Media Limited 2010 | Use of this content is subject to our Terms & Conditions | More Feeds guardian.co.uk |
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